Friday, June 12, 2015

The middle of the night

Subtitle: My brain is broken
Subtitle 2: Parenthood problems
Subtitle 3: If your baby sleeps through the night, please tell me all your secrets so I can ignore you while I fantasize about shaving off your eyebrows and then putting them in the perfect bubble bath you probably take by your perfect self after you put your perfect baby in his perfect bed and close the perfect door.

I spend a lot of time bouncing on an exercise ball. Like, my core strength is off the charts. Lots of time. So much. During these bouncing sessions, I often brainstorm blog posts. It's important to have an outlet. Unfortunately, because Sir Fussypants, First of his name, of House Ourlastname, needs white noise for sleep (and I'm cheap so hush yourself about highly-reviewed white noise machines, I'll be over here with my free app), these ideas get stored poorly in my fuzzy head while my phone is monopolized by the white noise. Some of the ideas are lost forever, but others are remembered semi-formed for me to try and decode the next day.Here are some examples.

- "Breastfeeding is my Crossfit"
Get it, because it's something I feel passionately about, and Crossfitters are notoriously enthusiastic about their sport? I think this idea actually has promise, but I have yet to craft it because every time I start, I get douche chills.  I need to consult with middle of the night Me (MOTNM) to figure out a tasteful, funny way to do this.

- "Types of parents I hate"
This has been done by everyone on the internet, ever. MOTNM has no originality.

- "Old bald men that resemble my baby"
This one also has potential, because come on, this face begs for a meme,
but it's also kinda mean so I'll hold off on it.

- "Here's my know-it-all parenting advice"
MOTNM decided she has her act together enough to share her secrets with the world. That is a blatant lie I tell myself to convince myself things are actually going very well.

- "Dear God please tell me how to fix my baby"
More honest. Probably too honest. The world doesn't need all these emotions.

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