Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Identity crisis

I am  a SAHM (=stay at home mom, if you're not down with the lingo).

This is weird to me. I spent my childhood working toward academic success, which would, in my young mind, be followed by a good job and financial success. Because that's how the world works. I grew up incredibly anxious about money (I was an anxious kid) and at some point I decided that if I didn't get a full college scholarship, I'd never go to college. Then I'd never get a job and I'd be a failure. Such healthy thoughts for a 4th grader. I basically achieved my goals. The last 5 years I've been living a pretty good life. I had a good job as a chemist. Generous benefits and vacation. Not a physically stressful job. It was ideal in a lot of ways.

Then, D came along. Nick and I discussed what we'd do when the baby arrived. I longed to be a SAHM but my childhood anxiety about achieving financial comfort still lingered, plus the added feeling of somehow "wasting" my college education. Because I'd be wasting it by spending time shaping the tiny mind we'd created? I haven't read "Lean In," but I've read enough articles about it to know that young women can have it all! We can balance family and career!

When it came time to pull the trigger and decide to be a SAHM, I still had trouble. Why? I didn't like my job all that much, and I really, really like my baby, so it should have been an easy decision, right? But in my mind, by leaving my job, I was leaving more than just a paycheck. I was leaving the definition I'd had for myself since graduating college. I was someone who worked (except when funemployed), damnit! I was a productive member of society! And now, I'd just be a mom. Would I still be interesting? Would I still have things to talk to Nick about? Would I feel trapped at home? So many things to worry about. So many conflicting feelings.

In the end, I decided to stay home. I'm toying with some other part-time employment options, as well as exploring going back to school for nursing. I still feel an itch to "do something" which is nonsense, because I'm nurturing a very chubby, very happy baby right now. That's doing something. 

How have I never done a Liz Lemon themed post? Terrible oversight on my part. 

No comments :

Post a Comment