Thursday, April 30, 2015

The hardest part

"Oh honey, those first 2 nights are just the hardest! You'll get through them!"

"After the first two weeks, you'll start to find your groove"

"Fussiness peaks around 6-8 weeks."

"Most mothers report they start feeling confident in their abilities around 6 weeks."

As each of those milestones came and went, I kept waiting. And I am still waiting. Some days, I find myself asking, is this the hardest part yet? Because I look back on the first 2 nights and 2 weeks and 2 months and think that in many ways, it is still getting harder.

D is a fussy/colicky/high needs kid. He seems to have some GI issues (welcome to the family, kiddo!) that upset him a lot of the time, but can be explained away with "immature digestive tract," so we can't really fix them yet. He is also intense. He goes from happy to 100% upset in no time. This means that I spend a good chunk of the day going, "what the hell just happened?" while I hold a screaming kid. He doesn't nap well. He needs constant movement, even when you're trying to pee justletmesitdownforfiveseconds

This is not easy. This is not always fun.

The next milestone when things are supposed to get easier is 3 months. So the other day I counted the days until he's 3 months. And then I realized I was counting down my precious baby's first weeks. That's not good. 

Instead, I'm trying not to resent the pictures on Facebook of happy babies sleeping, the parents out at dinner who aren't nervously bouncing as they eat, hoping their baby doesn't suddenly erupt, the friends who brag about sleeping through the night. I am embracing this time. He is only this little once. In between the fussy periods, he is growing and learning at an amazing rate and his sweet smiles and bright eyes during those times make me forget the tears we both shed. I have the privilege of getting to know this little boy and figure out how to soothe him. If this is the hardest part, awesome. If it gets harder, fine, I can handle it (right?). One day at a time. 

I feel bad for even writing this post. It's been in draft for a couple weeks. I have a healthy, thriving baby. He is very much wanted and I cannot imagine life without him. I am incredibly thankful. But it's still challenging, so I need to vent.

Those cheeks are a repository for feistiness.

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