Thursday, February 20, 2014

Still kicking

Except I'm not actually kicking, because that might be considered high impact and my brain will freak out and tell my glands to stop producing hormones. 

Soooo what's been going on over here? Mostly just cleaning up puppy pee and working. Life is great.

So tiny, so full of face licks. I am not actually dancing in this gif (with a hard 'g'), I'm trying to avoid getting Kiwi's tongue up my nose. 

She played with our friend's dog the other day, who is the exact same age as her, and it wowed me how tiny she is.

She also had her first bath, which was traumatizing but we made it through.

Obviously owning a puppy isn't all sunshine. She pees when she is feeling ignored. She pees when she's stressed. She just is really reliable at peeing. Plus she has a biting problem that we're still working on. She's high energy. But SO much fun. I took her out the other night after a carpet peeing incident, and was trying to be stern while I took her for a little walk, but I failed miserably because she's just so full of joy. Leaves are the best thing ever. Dirt is the best thing ever. Snow? Best thing ever. 

The rest of my life is meh. Work is stressful and requires extra long hours right now. Nick and I don't have the same days off, but at least we have the same shift so we can have dinner together every night. I'm thankful for that. 

I'm struggling hard with weight gain and feeling down about pretty much everything else. The women on the forums I frequent are full of so much useful information about recovering from HA, but they're all so rainbows and unicorns about everything. "I love gaining weight! My body is most beautiful when it's working correctly!" Ugh, go write a self-help book. Sometimes I want to hear that this sucks and feeling gross is normal and that someday I'll come to peace with this. I've gained 6 lbs. In keeping with a trend on weight loss blogs (which I REALLY need to stop reading), 6 lbs looks like this:
One 5lb bag of potatoes and two 0.5 lb Reese's cups. Go me.

Friday, February 7, 2014

I'm that person...

...Who takes a million pictures of her dog. I actually showed a stranger pictures of Kiwi the other day. With no prompting. I'm that crazy about this little creature.
On her medical records it should list her length at 12 weeks as "Laurel's femurs +/- 2 inches"

DYING OF CUTE.
During bathtime. I hate you, Mom and Dad.
Post-bath. I still hate you.

She is a little terror in some ways. She has a nasty habit of biting our hands and clothes, and she escalates quickly from gentle bites to intense, blood-drawing chomps. There are ways to get her to stop this, but unfortunately they involve yelling/yelping at her loudly to teach her she's hurting us. No one likes that, but it's necessary to get her to chill out and not be a danger to humans later on. I was thinking of taking her to Petco at some point in the future (because shopping + puppy is a winning combo). That wouldn't be the best idea if she's apt to bite everyone who tries to pet her.

On the plus side, I think she's settling into our routine much better now. We get up, Nick takes her out, and she gets a little play time before we leave at 6:30. Then around lunchtime (11:00), one of us goes home for another potty break and more play time. We're home for the day at 4:30 or so, so the longest she goes without us is 5 hours. It's not ideal, but she seems happy and tired and is doing very well with house training.

Another side bonus of going home at lunchtime? I can eat completely random food that I would never take for work lunch. Normal work lunch = balanced meal. Eat at home work lunch = 3 muffins. I am not kidding. Yesterday, I ate 3 warm banana muffins for lunch. 2 with melted butter, 1 with peanut butter (oh the sacrifices I make to gain weight... ). On weekends, I don't usually eat a proper lunch because we have a late breakfast, so having an excuse to eat muffins mid-day is fine by me. Yes, I just called muffins a proper lunch. I'm not sorry.

I am so happy to have Nick helping as we're getting used to this whole dog ownership thing. I mean, she only weighs 10 lbs or so, but she's a bundle of energy and sometimes the biting can be frustrating and one of us needs time to step away from her. Plus, being able to alternate who goes home at lunch is very helpful and means we can balance out our work schedules pretty well. And most importantly, Nick's actually owned a dog before, so he knows what he's doing. He's also not quite as big of a softie as I am and seems to do better with ignoring her cries and actually disciplining her. Such a good partner. /endgushing

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Turns out I like carbs.

Let's talk about my weight. I discussed it some in my "here's how I got HA" post but where am I now? Where do I want to be? Where do I need to be? Let me navel-gaze some more. Is that not the purpose of blogging?

When I first lost all the weight, I settled around 145. I was happy. My body was pretty happy (although I was on birth control, so who knows if my hormones were working correctly at that point). But then I got more serious about running and my weight drifted down, mostly naturally because I was being more active, but also because of my previously discussed eating issues. I designated a new "happy point" of 142.. then 140.. then 137.. then 135. Right before I got the proper HA diagnosis, I felt out of control and was exercising (ha. Pun.) even more control than usual over my eating. I drifted down to about 132 and was so proud of myself. I probably weighed less than I did at 13. I was focused on getting extra protein in my diet (which had always been a focus since I'm a vegetarian and everyone knows if you're not eating meat you're just a hollow shell of a person) via protein shakes and snacks like nuts. I was intentionally limiting my carbs to mealtimes, but since things like beans are still carb-y, I still got quite a few carbs. Still, there was no room for crackers in my life. A look back at one of those days shows:
2200 calories *I only allowed myself this many calories because I ran over 6 miles that day.*
286 g carbs
88 g fat
88 g protein

On a recent day when I tracked my eats to check and make sure I was getting enough calories, it looked like this:
2400 calories
308 g carbs
95 g fats (thanks, chocolate chips!)
83 g protein

Twice this week I've polished off a box of Rice Thins (delicious, not nutritious) in one sitting. As an addition to lunch. It didn't feel like a binge (and for pete's sake, those boxes are definitely not 3.5 servings!). I contemplated putting the box away a couple of times, but then talked myself into just eating the whole damn thing. Because calories. Plus, there's the times I've had bread or muffins for lunch (every time I go home to take care of the dog. Because delicious). I'm trying to just feed myself whatever sounds good and right now, that's carbs. I'm not forcing myself to eat low cal veggies or forgoing "empty" calories.  Fortunately, at work, "what sounds good" might be having Reese's Cups for lunch, but they're not accessible. So instead I eat the whole box of Rice Thins. Balanced diet?

But what's my stopping point? How do I know I'm done? Besides, obviously, getting my period like I should and then having blood tests to make sure my hormones are where they're supposed to be, how will I know when to stop? I've sort of picked 145 because although I originally got to that weight in an unhealthy way, it would have me at a BMI of almost 22 (I'm 5'8"+ but not quite 5'9"), and it was a weight where I was able to be happy. I wasn't training for marathons when I weighed that much, I was running recreationally. I maintained somewhere around that weight for a couple of years. So I'm officially aiming for 145-147.

Despite all my feelings of puffiness and discomfort, I'm only up about 5 lbs from my super low weight, and 2 lbs from my normal weight. Some of that disconnect is because I'm surely losing muscle mass and gaining fat ("puffiness" feelings might be in my head but ill-fitting pants are objective) so my body is just getting bigger. I'm less dense now!

So yeah. There's my plan. Gain more weight! There are so many more boxes of crackers in my future. 

Monday, February 3, 2014

How that whole walking thing is going

After all the complaining the other day, here's some not complaining. Walking for exercise is really pretty ok. Yes, it feels like a waste to put on workout clothes, including a sports bra that will barely even be needed, then go and not get sweaty at all, but it also means I get to re-wear my workout clothes. Bras and shorts get 2 wears now! Socks still only get worn once. My feet are gross enough as it is. I know some people re-wear workout clothes already because they're pretty princesses who don't sweat or something other nonsense, but HA. That will never be me.
See the sweat covering my back? pretty sure it was actually cold this day. 

So, YAY walking because it means less laundry.

Another plus side, I'm getting a lot of quality time watching movies. When I ran, I didn't usually watch movies because they needed too much focus. A good 22-minute sitcom was perfect for running, but since I have more brainpower available when walking (I'm not as busy calculating how many minutes I have left), movies are much easier to watch. I watched What's Eating Gilbert Grape (I know it's old, and it's amazing to see how DiCaprio has grown up... he was great in that movie) and a few other indie films that Netflix recommended. Thanks for helping me get some culture, Netflix.

So that's walking. Full disclosure: I've been running too. I need to keep up with this girl:
I call her Bat Dog, Crazy Eyes, Stinky Face... pretty much anything besides her actual name. 

Over the weekend, we let her off her leash twice, once on Saturday and once on Sunday. We've done this before (we're bad dog owners and ordered her leash online but didn't have it for the first 2-3 days we had her), and she hadn't run off too far, just very short excursions into the bushes. Not too difficult to chase down although she is surprisingly quick on her stubby little legs. On Saturday, we took her off the leash to play fetch and she almost immediately took off toward the brambles that separate our yard from the next property. She stopped for a potty break and I thought I could get her but she can power through prickly bushes much better than I can. I caught up with her just as she was venturing into the woods. On Sunday, she did pretty much the same thing, but the whole ordeal took a lot longer and involved me grabbing her by her front leg to retrieve her. We're incredibly lucky that both times she went in the direction of the road with only 4 houses on it, not the major thoroughfare with the 50 mph speed limit. As I read what I've written, I'm realizing we're dumb to let her off her leash at all given her age and how new she is to our family. I promise we'll be better caretakers.

What was my point with all this? That I've been running with the puppy (leashed) and running after her, and I love actually feeling winded for the first time in over a month. It's refreshing to feel my heart get going. I miss running, but walking will have to do for now.