Thursday, October 16, 2014

This time last year....

This time last year, I was finishing the Steamtown Marathon. It was a wonderful race, and I had a shiny new almost 30 minute marathon PR. I was so proud of myself for almost BQ-ing!

I also wasn't getting my period. My real life goal of having a family with Nick wasn't achievable. I was the fastest (and the thinnest) I had been in my life, but I under the pride of speed was misery.

I know the changes I made in my diet and exercise routine allowed me to get pregnant (plus science, of course!). I know that right this minute, I am filled with joy feeling my little fetus kick away. I cannot wait to be a mother. But I have to acknowledge the feeling of loss I have for the person I was a year ago.

This week, my Facebook feed was flooded with pictures and updates from the Steamtown runners (I still follow their page). I looked at all the PRs posted by happy people, running fast. I thought about how far away I am from those people and that community. I read Runner's World (yes, I am aware it's not a "good" running magazine, but whatever, it's entertaining and I still learn things) and can't relate. Mommy blogs? Pregnancy blogs? That's my jam now.

I know these feelings will intensify as I get more and more pregnant, and they'll shift to a totally different set of feelings when I give birth and have a new baby. Will I ever BQ? It's way too soon to tell. I want to... but I know my priorities will be completely different with a tiny person who needs me far more than I need to run.

I don't want to sound like I'm not immensely grateful to be pregnant. What I gave up to get here means nothing in comparison to feeling of pride and anticipation I feel planning for our baby. But this week, it's been hard. 

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