Monday, August 18, 2014

The Big Reveal

I have written about my fertility issues on here several times, but I have to confess, I didn't always tell the whole truth. This blog is public. I know that. Someone can Google the right combo of words and figure out way too much about me, and I didn't want everyone to know all the details of my struggles as they happened, live time.

Now, I'm sorry I kept it a "secret." Because infertility is common. If you are at a party with 7 other couples, odds are, 1 of them has experienced infertility. The treatment is isolating. The experience is humiliating, heartbreaking, and all-consuming. I spent so much with my pants off, I don't even flinch anymore. New ultrasound tech? Here ya go, take a peek! I had my blood drawn dozens of times, maybe a hundred. I was poked and prodded. I cried. I resolved not to cry. I cried more anyways. I felt the wrenching pain of feeling like a complete failure, like I was defective, like I could not accomplish the ONE THING my body was designed to do. I thought about evolution and how if we didn't have science, my genes would end with me, because I couldn't make a biological child. Maybe I wasn't meant to have a child?

It was not a good time for me. But I didn't share it. I was ashamed and it felt so personal. But it's not personal, it's not just me, it's something that so many women go through. Those times I felt jealous because my friends and acquaintances were getting pregnant so "easily"-- I do not know what those couples were actually going through. I cannot possibly know if they had trouble or didn't. But the stigma around infertility still exists so we don't talk about it. I didn't talk about it. I didn't use this outlet (blogging) that makes me feel better and helps me sort out my thoughts because I was worried about being judged. That is so ridiculous in retrospect.

So here's the some more details about what I went through.

November 2013- saw reproductive endocrinologist after 5 months without a normal cycle. Started testing. Found nothing else wrong with me except for a complete lack of normal female hormones.
December 2013-scaled back and eventually quit running
Late December 2013- started injectable FSH (Menopur) to try and get me to ovulate. Gave myself shots for 25 days. Monitoring appointments every other day sometimes every day, including Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve. Cycle was ultimately a failure
January-March 2013- no treatments. Tried to see if meds had reset my body. Continued not running and gaining weight.
Late March 2013- another round of injectable meds. Daily shots, this time for 19 days. More monitoring appointments. Another failure.
April 2014- Another round of injects is unlikely to help us, so we start discussing IVF. My cycles still have not returned on their own. Begin prepping for IVF.
May/June 2014- IVF cycle. I wrote about it over on another blog I started (and kept secret). The details of growth and all that are on there.
June 2014- If you click over to the other blog, you already know the ending to the story... it worked! We were fortunate enough to conceive on our very first IVF cycle and I am, as of today, 13 weeks pregnant. It's been a roller coaster, but here we are, and we are over the moon excited to meet our little one in February.

More updates to come... 

2 comments :

  1. Wow, I didn't realize how much you had to go through. Congratulations! So excited that you're pregnant!

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    Replies
    1. Yeah it was quite a journey, but I'm here now! Thank you so much!

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