Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Finding my happy place

When I last checked in about my weight, I was all "Teehee, gaining weight is hard! I'm plateauing at a 10 lb. gain and shan't be able to gain a pound more!"
Yeah, I hate past me too. 

So about that plateau? You'll be pleased to know I blew right past it. I gained 10 more pounds. And then another 5, for good luck! If you're keeping score at home, that means I am currently teetering at an overweight BMI. Goodie! Not like I lost a ton of weight 5 years ago because I was uncomfortable with my life and my body or anything. 

I'm obviously not super happy about this. All my worst fears when I started this process are bubbling back up. I am convinced I'm just meant to be fat. I don't come from skinny people (sorry, Dad, but our family is not a bunch of dainty ballerinas). I still, all these years later, have control issues with food. I can't eat in moderation. I don't do well eating normal sized meals. Even when I feel full I will still eat. My brain is broken and I only "fixed" it for years by controlling my diet and exercise very closely.

 I wrote in April, about needing to scale back a little on eating. Well, 2 months later, I still need to scale back. I learned nothing. My plan going forward is to be a little less "eat all the things" and a little more about moderation. I believe I can find moderation, somehow, in my life. I want to find that happy spot where I'm eating when hungry, and stopping when I'm full. Not restricting, but not letting myself binge either. I need to return to the days of counting my almonds because otherwise I'll eat half a 1 pound bag. I did that yesterday. And then I felt gross/guilty/nauseous the rest of the day. I hate that I'm a 28 year old with such crappy self-control, but at least I'm honest, right? 

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