Monday, May 5, 2014

Reference point

Ever since I went off the pill and didn't get my period, I've been struggling to not use "9 months from now" as a reference point for everything. It started off innocently enough:

 "If I get pregnant now, I won't be able to drink at our friends' wedding in October"

"If I get pregnant now, I'll be running a marathon pregnant! Neato!"

That cart is going nowhere.

As the months passed, scheduling things in the future felt like playing a cruel game. Should I schedule this or will I be pregnant? Should we go on vacation? Will I not be able to fly? Then when we started seeing the reproductive endocrinologist, it got worse. Will I need to bring meds with me when we go visit family at the holidays (answer: yes)? Will I need to give myself an injection at that party (also yes)? Will I be so bloated from the meds that I won't be able to wear normal clothes (and a big old yes)?

I am an obsessive person.

When we started this whole journey, I wanted complete control of everything, and I wanted control NOW. Finding out that my body doesn't work like it should and that I wouldn't have complete control over every little thing has been a big adjustment. I am best friends with Dr. Google, and my list of recent searches is pretty embarrassing (hormones pretty much cause everything, so yes, everything is a symptom of pregnancy/ovulation/ruptured bowels/meningitis). There's just so much science involved in the whole reproduction thing, and that's super fascinating to me, while also meaning I am getting just enough knowledge to be a little dangerous, and not enough knowledge to actually know what the hell I'm talking about.

The key to this whole thing is patience, of which I have none (that's grammatically correct, right? It sounds awful typed out). I am trying to just take it day by day, but knowing your body is screwed up kind of takes over your life. I want to be better, now. I want to stop using 9 months from now as a reference point.

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