Tuesday, March 25, 2014

New Normal

I think I've found my niche- I'll be that blogger that used to run and now just complains about how much weight she's gaining.

Plus I'll post pictures of my dog.
Kiwi has an abundance of neck skin. It can all be smushed up on her face. I swear we're not hurting her, she does this by choice. 

That's really all I've got right now.

I don't want to be all dramatic about it, but this is my blog, where I get to be dramatic, so here I go. I think a big part of why this whole thing is hard is that not only am I giving up control of things I used to control so precisely ("I will eat exactly the number of calories I have allotted today," "I will run exactly 30 miles this week"), but I am also redefining myself. Running is used to be me. It was what I did with my free time. It was my favorite topic of conversation.  I liked to bring it up casually in groups, mention how hungry I was because I'd just run 8 miles, or that I wasn't drinking at happy hour because I needed to run when I got home. It made me feel special. Now that I can't talk about it... I'm at a loss. Also, I realize that maybe I was a big ol' jerk who just talked about running all the time. Ugh.
Here's a kitten drowning in marshmallows. It's a metaphor for my life!

I think I need a new hobby. Or I just need to clean the house more. That seems like the better option. 

I haven't really told most of my coworkers about the whole not running thing, because so far few of them have asked me directly (they're just happy I'm not telling them about how my hammies are tight after my 800 repeats). The couple who did, I told them nope, not running anymore, but didn't tell them why (I need to be fatter to someday carry a baby! LET ME SHARE MORE ABOUT MY REPRODUCTION WITH YOU, casual acquaintance!). When one responded with "oh yeah, so hard to keep up running when the weather is bad!" Sure. That's it! But it's gotta come out at some point, right? I don't know, part of me wants to wear a shirt saying "I'm not running anymore, not one bit, please don't ask me why" and the other part wants to keep playing this part of the "healthy coworker." One mentioned the other day about how I was awesome because I run marathons. Make that "ran," sir, I'm a used to runner. That was the old me. Now I'm just a fattie who fats.

And there, in my ramblings, I reveal the other part of what's bothering me. I'm actively being unhealthy. I ate salad, soup, a muffin, ice cream and THEN spoonfuls of Nutella last night. Because one dessert isn't enough for me, I need 2! I know deep inside I'm doing this for a good reason, and I know I won't immediately become overweight overnight, but I'm just having trouble with all of it. My new normal is having fries, not substituting a salad. It's saying not just "yes," but "oh hell yes" to the candy dish. It's patting myself on the back for NOT exercising. This is messing with my mind. Every day. And I need to get used to it. But I don't want to.

/enddrama

Also, I've gotten some new readers lately (HI!). Please comment! 

Are you a runner? If so, please tell me about it so I can envy and live vicariously through you! 

Are you not a runner? Tell me what I'm supposed to do with my time. 

2 comments :

  1. Hey girl!!! I just wanted to say hang in there hun! I think it's all about how you think about things....you aren't doing this to be UNHEALTHY - you are doing this to be as HEALTHY as you can be! Healthy like we are meant to be :) I know it seems counteractive to not exercise and choose fries over salad or add that second dessert - but that's just whats getting you from A to B...that is temporary...that is what will get you healthy faster! Our bodies are amazing things and if things are shutting down on us, we aren't healthy. So you are still that healthy, loves to run girl! don't let that affect your identity - you are just being a SMARTER healthier, loves to still run but knows when to rest/nourish, and with all of that and your recovery, you will hopefully feel more alive, more free to live life because well we only have one ;) and someday, you will hold that baby in your arms and that will be the new you. Our identities constantly change with who we are and what our goals are, that is ok and normal and great!!! Just because you aren't running and your eating habits have forced on a new change, doesnt mean that is gone....it means you are growing! Thinking of you lots girl! i get it 100% and venting is the best way to grow so keep it comin!!!! big hugs!!! <3

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    1. I can't wait to get back to running but I'm going to do it right this time! hopefully I'll be a better runner knowing that my body needs a lot more food to fuel itself. And you're right, it feels unhealthy right now, but what else is unhealthy? Not producing enough hormones to function like I'm supposed to! Thank you for the sweet comment.

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