Friday, March 28, 2014

I am the luckiest.

Subtitle: read the poem at the bottom. Because it's deep and meaningful and it inspired me. I am feeling touchy-feely enough lately to actually be inspired. Deal with it.

My posts lately are basically a bunch of whining, I know this. I like to whine and then follow up with some snark because it diffuses all the feelings I'm feeling. It's my version of breaking the tension. And it also gives me a chance to pop my head out from all the whining and wink, like "hey, I'm complaining but I don't mean it! Life is peachy"

But it's not. 

But is also is. And I keep losing sight of that. I can spiral down (or rabbit hole, as Nick and I call it) from normal gripes about day-to-day life to how I am a failure as a person very, very quickly. Example: I'm tired because I didn't sleep well because I'm worrying and worrying is stress and stress will negatively effect my hormones so stop worrying or else you'll never have a baby. I'm not exaggerating even a little bit. But when I do this, I lose all my chances to reflect on the positives in my life. So I want to truly think about those.

I have a husband who is wonderful and we get to celebrate our anniversary soon! 

I have a puppy who thinks I'm the best thing that's ever happened to her every day when I come home from work.

I have a house that, while it has its issues, is still a house. And it houses me, Nick, and Kiwi perfectly.

I have the resources to feed myself more so I can GAIN weight to eventually have a child I am choosing to have. This decision is based off of bloodwork and diagnoses from doctors that I don't pay very much to see because I have a job with excellent health insurance.

And a now, because I'm not random and out-of-character enough today, here's a poem:

The Peace of Wild Things

When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free. (source)

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