Thursday, February 6, 2014

Turns out I like carbs.

Let's talk about my weight. I discussed it some in my "here's how I got HA" post but where am I now? Where do I want to be? Where do I need to be? Let me navel-gaze some more. Is that not the purpose of blogging?

When I first lost all the weight, I settled around 145. I was happy. My body was pretty happy (although I was on birth control, so who knows if my hormones were working correctly at that point). But then I got more serious about running and my weight drifted down, mostly naturally because I was being more active, but also because of my previously discussed eating issues. I designated a new "happy point" of 142.. then 140.. then 137.. then 135. Right before I got the proper HA diagnosis, I felt out of control and was exercising (ha. Pun.) even more control than usual over my eating. I drifted down to about 132 and was so proud of myself. I probably weighed less than I did at 13. I was focused on getting extra protein in my diet (which had always been a focus since I'm a vegetarian and everyone knows if you're not eating meat you're just a hollow shell of a person) via protein shakes and snacks like nuts. I was intentionally limiting my carbs to mealtimes, but since things like beans are still carb-y, I still got quite a few carbs. Still, there was no room for crackers in my life. A look back at one of those days shows:
2200 calories *I only allowed myself this many calories because I ran over 6 miles that day.*
286 g carbs
88 g fat
88 g protein

On a recent day when I tracked my eats to check and make sure I was getting enough calories, it looked like this:
2400 calories
308 g carbs
95 g fats (thanks, chocolate chips!)
83 g protein

Twice this week I've polished off a box of Rice Thins (delicious, not nutritious) in one sitting. As an addition to lunch. It didn't feel like a binge (and for pete's sake, those boxes are definitely not 3.5 servings!). I contemplated putting the box away a couple of times, but then talked myself into just eating the whole damn thing. Because calories. Plus, there's the times I've had bread or muffins for lunch (every time I go home to take care of the dog. Because delicious). I'm trying to just feed myself whatever sounds good and right now, that's carbs. I'm not forcing myself to eat low cal veggies or forgoing "empty" calories.  Fortunately, at work, "what sounds good" might be having Reese's Cups for lunch, but they're not accessible. So instead I eat the whole box of Rice Thins. Balanced diet?

But what's my stopping point? How do I know I'm done? Besides, obviously, getting my period like I should and then having blood tests to make sure my hormones are where they're supposed to be, how will I know when to stop? I've sort of picked 145 because although I originally got to that weight in an unhealthy way, it would have me at a BMI of almost 22 (I'm 5'8"+ but not quite 5'9"), and it was a weight where I was able to be happy. I wasn't training for marathons when I weighed that much, I was running recreationally. I maintained somewhere around that weight for a couple of years. So I'm officially aiming for 145-147.

Despite all my feelings of puffiness and discomfort, I'm only up about 5 lbs from my super low weight, and 2 lbs from my normal weight. Some of that disconnect is because I'm surely losing muscle mass and gaining fat ("puffiness" feelings might be in my head but ill-fitting pants are objective) so my body is just getting bigger. I'm less dense now!

So yeah. There's my plan. Gain more weight! There are so many more boxes of crackers in my future. 

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