Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Always look on the bright side...

First off, the good news. Great news, really. We got a puppy, and she is the best ever.
Look at that FACE! Look at it. I just want to kiss her at all times.

So tiny. So cute.

Nick chose the name Kiwi because she's brown and fuzzy, like a kiwi (bird and fruit). I love the name, and she seems to respond to it too. She's a 10 week old rat terrier/something mix. Her mom was a terrier, and her dad clearly was not. Her brothers and sisters (she was one of 7 in her litter!!) look totally different from her. She was the last puppy of the litter to be adopted, and I have no idea why. She's sweet, if a little hard-headed, and so playful. After a rough first couple of days (puppies have to pee a lot. go figure), she is just a bundle of fun and energy and she make us so, so happy. It is a lifestyle change to suddenly be responsible for another little living creature. I like it.

Now for the not so good news? This whole "gain weight and be more slug-like" thing? It's not going well for me. In fact, it's a source of constant discomfort and stress. My mom asked me the other if my moods have been worse since I haven't been running, because she heard a story on the radio about a guy who ran to relieve his anxiety. She said it like it was a new thing! I thought that was funny because for years, running has very obviously been my stress-reliever/anti-anxiety tool of choice. So yes, my moods have been overall much worse than normal. I'm crying more, handling stress poorly, and generally just... sad. That is completely independent of the weight gain. I am doing ok, I think, but just worse than before. It doesn't help that the state of my hormones is weighing on my mind, plus work has been particularly stressful lately too. Ugh. On the plus side, the puppy lifts my mood. 

And how about that weight? Yeah... I haven't weighed myself lately, but I know that it's gone up. I feel puffy and uncomfortable. My clothes aren't fitting well. One of the women on the forums said to buy pants that are specifically your "conception pants" and to look at it through a positive lens, but I am having trouble. I just feel gross and unhappy. I feel guilty after almost every meal. Dessert doesn't feel fun, it feels like punishment and try as I might, I cannot stop thinking about calories in every. single. bite. I keep telling myself I'm making a positive change, but I honestly am not comfortable with it yet. I don't know if/when I will be. I really am trying to look at the big picture, but the day-by-day choices and feelings are hard. Feeling my pants cut into me all day or my upper arms chafe from new body fat is unpleasant. I can't sugarcoat and be all "LOL being chubby is the best!" because I don't feel that way. 

That's enough negativity for today. I'll come back when I have more puppy pictures.

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