Wednesday, November 28, 2012

You guys...

I have pictures of the inside of my colon. My life is complete!

Colonscopy and endoscopy were yesterday. On one hand, it was really a no-nevermind. I drank some nasty stuff, got really bloated, slept for 3 hours, drank more nasty stuff, got MORE bloated (at this point it went from annoying "I ate too much cheese" discomfort to full on "I drank multiple whey protein shakes" pain), took a bloated shower, did bloated dishes, made bloated noodles with bloated (delicious) miso-tahini sauce and then went to the bloated hospital for some bloated tests.

I wish I had photographed my tummy. My super stretchy comfy huge pants were leaving a line in my stomach, no joke. I was like, 5 months along with my water baby. Without too much detail, the special prep drink didn't do quite what it needed to do. I was feeling ridiculously hungry (last meal was at 7pm on Sunday, Gatorade and water all day Monday), weak, and uncomfortable. But then, I put on a cute, backless gown, got an IV, and woke up an hour later with my mom next to me. It was over so quickly. The doctor came in and talked to me... he told me basically there was nothing wrong, I don't have any bleeding from my insides but I must take too much ibuprofen because I have gastritis due to ibuprofen use. I respect his medical opinion and all, but I am pretty sure my heavy once a month usage of ibuprofen isn't screwing up my stomach unless it's composed of tissue paper. Arg. I also have a hiatal hernia. Yippee! Common risk factors are: age, obesity, and smoking. Since that describes me exactly 0%, I'm not sure where I got it. It's also pretty much a non-event, except that it may explain why I have such gnarly acid reflux. In addition, the doctor said I should consider seeing a nutritionist because.. I don't know, don't tell me things when I'm just waking up from anesthesia. I don't remember them. I do remember being testy about needing to see a nutritionist. DO I NOT THINK ABOUT FOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU, DOCTOR MAN?

I'm not happy when I'm discombobulated. I went home, ate a banana and some yogurt (my throat was wicked sore and I was mostly asleep, but I was starving. I'm a trooper.) and although I did not intend to sleep all day, that is exactly what I did. I slept from about 9:30 until almost 3:30 with dear, patient Nick being kicked by me as I slowly took over the entire couch. When I woke up I was starving, again, and ate a bunch of broccoli slaw (also with miso-tahini sauce!) and tried to figure out if I was dying or my GI track was just getting back to normal. I was in a fair amount of pain. Also, from now on I'll just blame my hernia for everything. Can't lift that, got a hernia. No time to do laundry, hernia's hurting. Your band's putting on a show tonight? Too bad, so's my hernia. (note: I just looked back and I made the exact same jokes when I first got the anemia diagnosis. I deal with medical diagnoses with lame humor, what can I say)

Take home message? I see the hematologist in January and he'll either say I'm a mystery (it's fine, Hugh Laurie is welcome to give me a second opinion) or... something. I don't know exactly. I feel like we're sort of at an impasse. The interwebs are all out of solutions. There's a slight possibility the samples the doctor took from my GI track will show I have Celiac or something, but I sort of doubt that. Could I please be a lactose intolerant vegetarian with Celiac? I'd LOVE to be that girl at work who can't eat a damn thing even more than I already am. Really. I'd love it.

Workout related: Ran 2 turkey trots. Biked a little with my dad and Nick. Slept. More movement in my life would be a good thing. Nick's breaking in/getting used to a new pair of slightly more minimal shoes, so some shorter, easier runs for the next week or so should be great. And I need to fit into a very snug evening gown in 10 days so I need to maybe eat less broccoli slaw so I can zip it.

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