Friday, July 8, 2011

Inadequacy

Last year, I signed up for the Marine Corps Marathon and trained for it half-heartedly for much of the summer. I never really increased long run mileage or stuck to a schedule, even though I had one. I injured myself by not training consistently. I sucked all summer, and then unsurprisingly I was not at all ready for the Marathon and didn't run it.

I think that whole experience has given me a bit of a complex. My internal monologue ranges between self-effacing ('Oh I'm really not all that good at XYZ') to self-deprecating ('I suck'). That was before last year's training failure, so since then? My running confidence is nil. Every bad run is a reason to doubt myself, and because of that doubt I think a lot of mediocre runs are classified as bad. Even worse, I think I psych myself out until my body is convinced it can't do it. Mind over matter FTL.

This is heavy, I know.

So this year, not only am I a little thinner (easier on the joints, yay!), I'm also in better shape overall. I'm more settled in my job, if not at all settled in my life, so my schedule is a lot more regular. I have been running more regularly prior to starting my marathon training, and now that it has started I have been more consistent in actually getting out there and doing the workouts-- to a point. I've had several crappy runs that I have attributed to heat/fatigue/injury but all of them have also had the added element of psyching myself out until I didn't think I could do it. On one of them my breathing wigged out enough that my dad had to come and get me. What is that?

So. What am I going to do about it? I'm going to keep doing what I have been doing- go out and start every run with intention to complete it. Push myself (I'm bad at this)- I can always, always, do another 0.1 miles or 60 seconds or to the next light pole. Stop the negative self-talk. Run SLOW if I have to. Eat and sleep enough that food and rest are not an issue (since when did I become someone who needs to be reminded to eat? I am weird.).

Then, this will totally be me:
That's Deena Kastor. We're pretty much the same person. Umm.. actually I think we're not even the same species. But a girl can dream,

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